


It's Complicated

by Sharkey (saturated)



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Feelings Realization, Getting Together, Happy Ending, M/M, Miscommunication, Underage Drinking, everyone is a mess, weird feelings stuff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-19
Updated: 2019-05-28
Packaged: 2020-03-08 05:39:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18888268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saturated/pseuds/Sharkey
Summary: The worst thing about Nursey was that he was equal parts attractive and infuriating.-----In which Dex and Nursey have a very complicated relationship





	1. December, Freshman Year

The worst thing about Nursey was that he was equal parts attractive and infuriating.  Dex didn’t know if it was his laid-back attitude or how he was impossible to talk to about certain things or maybe some combination of the two, but Dex did know that every time they were near each other he ended up wanted to rip his hair out.  Except on the ice, of course.  Being on the ice was different.

Playing hockey with Nursey was so much different than anything Dex had experienced in high school.  The two of them had undeniable chemistry and made them an unstoppable pair, even as freshmen.  Dex didn’t know what to make of it. 

Honestly, he couldn’t quite figure out anything about Nursey, or his strange emotions towards him.  Nursey never let anything bother him, which Dex found impossible seeing as every time they talked he was feeling some emotion, be it anger or frustration or confusion at how Nursey worked.  Nursey had also made friends with everyone on the team without a hitch.  Dex always marveled at people who could make friends with anyone since he had never had many friends and seemed to get annoyed at some trait of the person he was talking to.  He had managed to make friends with Chowder, and kind of with Bitty, but Nursey, less than a semester into his college career, was already making plans with half the team to hang out.  Dex could never keep up with that many people.

And then there was the worst feeling towards Nursey of all.  Dex found Nursey ridiculously attractive.  But it wasn’t gay, he would assure himself, to consider his friends (read teammates) attractive, right?  He thought most people on the team were attractive in some sense, like Jack being plain hot, and Shitty being good looking in a dad kind of way.  Or how Bitty and Chowder were on the cuter side of good looking.  It wasn’t gay to acknowledge this.  But Nursey was on another level.  He was gorgeous, like he was exuding light whenever he walked into a room.

But Dex wasn’t gay, and it was fine to admire your teammates good looks once in a while.

Dex was telling himself this as he watched Nursey dance at the last Kegster of the semester.  How Chowder had convinced him to come was beyond him, but Dex would have rather been anywhere else than at a party.  Hell, he could take a note from Jack’s book and pull a power move like doing laundry during it.

He was considering leaving since it was getting close to midnight, but all thoughts of that left when Nursey came barreling up to Dex who was leaning on the wall.  Nursey tried to mimic his stance but stumbled over and spilled his drink a little before succeeding.

“You good?” Dex asked sporting a small smile.

“Chill,” Nursey said.  “Perfect health.”  He hiccupped.  “Maybe a little drunk.”

“Sure, and who’s on Nursey Patrol?”

“Oh fuck,” Nursey said looking around.  “I think I lost them.”

“More like they lost you.  Who is it?”

“I don’t remember.  Maybe Holster?  No.  Chowder?”

“Not Chowder.  He brought his new girlfriend.”

“Yeah, I don’t know.”

Great, Dex thought deciding to take on the job.  After what happened after the first Kegster, it would be a bad idea to leave Nursey alone, especially at the last one of the semester.

“Hey, Dex,” Nursey said.  “I have a question.”  
“Shoot.”

“Why do you hate me?”

That was a loaded question that Dex didn’t know how to answer.  He didn’t hate Nursey per se, but he wasn’t very fond of him either.  But how could he say that and also convey exactly what bothered him without seeming like an asshole?  Or should he just deny it entirely and hope that Nursey wouldn’t remember in the morning?

“I don’t hate you,” Dex said after a few seconds.  “You just…frustrate me sometimes.”

“How?”

“Like,” Dex said struggling to word it right, “when you talk about privilege.  You don’t listen to me.”

“Well, you’re white, dude,” Nursey said trying refute.  “And you don’t get that you have white privilege.”

Dex could tell he wanted to say more but being drunk wasn’t helping his argument.  “I do now.  I mean, I think I understand.  I talked to some people, and I think I’m starting to get it.”  Which was true.  Dex had talked to Ransom a little bit, and Shitty helped him build his vocabulary.  “But I still feel like you don’t listen to me when I talk about money.  I know you’re not white and that’s a thing, but I grew up poor and that’s…also a thing.”

“Okay,” Nursey said.  “Okay, I get it.”

“We shouldn’t play…What is it?  Oppression Olympics?” Dex said.

“Sounds like something Shitty would say,” Nursey said laughing.

“Yeah, I’m quoting the big man himself.”

“Come on,” Nursey said taking Dex’s arm.  “Let’s get a drink.  You’re not nearly drunk enough to be here.”

Dex didn’t say anything and let Nursey pull him out back where Shitty was manning the Tub Juice.  This was the longest they had talked without Dex wanting to kill Nursey and he was really enjoying it.

“Another one?” Shitty asked when he saw Nursey.  “I don’t want to be the one to cut you off, but you know I will if I think you’ve had too much.”

“No,” Nursey said.  “For Dex.  I want him drunk because that’s probably the only way I can get him to dance.”

“You’re not wrong,” Dex murmured taking the cup from Shitty.

“You have to down it all now,” Nursey said.  “I’m three cups in so you have to catch up.”

Dex did as told, though completely against his better judgment.  It might have been because he was finally getting along with Nursey and he didn’t want it to end, or maybe it was because Nursey was still lightly holding his wrist spreading a strange warmth through his body.

“Hell yeah,” Nursey said as Dex finished.  “Another!”

Shitty chuckled.  “I’ll give you another but then you’ll have to wait.  Can’t have you vomiting all over the Haus.”

“Yeah, I understand,” Dex said taking the second cup.

Nursey took ahold of Dex again pulling him back into the Haus and to the kitchen.  It was brightly lit, unlike the rest of the Haus, and completely empty, although the unmistakable smell of a pie that was finished about an hour ago still lingered.

Nursey finally let go of Dex and went rummaging around in one of the cupboards, eventually pulling out a half-filled bottle of Vodka.

“What’s that?” Dex said.

“Vodka,” Nursey said matter-of-factly.  “It’s my stash for when I get cut off.”

“Is that safe?”

“Don’t worry, Dex,” Nursey said.  “I can handle my liquor.”

“The entire concept of Nursey Patrol says otherwise,” Dex said crossing his arms.

“Whatever,” Nursey said.  “Do shots with me or don’t but…I don’t know.  I hate drinking alone.”

That was an invitation to hang out for the rest of the party, right?  Dex had elected himself to Nursey Patrol but it seemed that Nursey actually wanted to hang out with him.  But why?  They had one nice conversation and now what?  Dex had been nothing but horrible to Nursey this past semester to the point where Nursey thought he hated him.  Dex never really wanted or cared about being friends with him, but maybe if they spent some time together his feelings would change.  Chowder had been saying the two of them should hang out more.  If anything, it would make them better teammates and better together on the ice.

“Fine,” Dex said and chugged his tub juice.  He was starting to feel a little tipsy, so doing a few shots with Nursey may get him to the point where he could actually dance like Nursey wanted him to.

Nursey still didn’t seem pleased.  “Don’t feel obligated to stay with me, dude.  I don’t need it.”  He poured two shots.  “Stay because you want to hang out because…You know, I still kind of want to be friends with you.”

Dex didn’t know what to say.  Nobody ever really wanted to be friends with him growing up.  He was always the loner, the kid who would pal around with his teammates but would never join their parties or celebrations, either because he was busy with work, or more often then not because he always had that underlying fear that they didn’t actually like him and they only included him during practice because that was the polite thing to do.

“I’m…sorry,” Dex said after a second.  “I’m sorry I’ve been such an ass to you.  You don’t deserve that.”

“No, I don’t,” Nursey said quietly.  “Thanks.  Now, let’s agree to be friends, and come do shots with me.”

And so they did.  Shot after shot after shot.  Three in a row without a break or a chaser and Dex thought he was going to die.

“How do you do this all the time?” he asked.

“Get used to it,” Nursey replied taking a quick swig straight from the bottle.

“You’re killing me,” Dex said getting glass of water.

“Do you want a beer, dude?” Nursey asked pulling one from the fridge.

Dex took it, happy to have something with a more familiar taste and lower alcohol content.

“C’mon,” Nursey said gesturing out of the kitchen, “let’s go sit down somewhere.”

Dex followed where Nursey led, which was to the couch as he expected.  Dex sat next to Nursey leaving some room between them, but somewhere along the way that gap closed and they were sitting shoulder to shoulder.

“Do you not like parties?” Nursey said eventually noticing Dex’s agitation.

“Not really my thing,” Dex said.  “I prefer quiet hangouts over loud parties like this.  Although being drunk does help,” he finished realizing he was no longer tipsy and now decently drunk.

“That’s the trick,” Nursey said.  “Get drunk and let your bare instincts do the rest.”

“That doesn’t feel smart to me.”

“Who cares.  We’re in college and we’re supposed to be having fun.  Finding ourselves.  Whatever the fuck you want.”

“I just can’t afford to think like that,” Dex said, “both literally and figuratively.”

Nursey went quiet.  Dex thought maybe he went too far but it was too late.  It was out there.  The anxieties that had been weighing him down all semester.  Nursey could do whatever he wanted.  He could get drunk every weekend.  He could major in English.  He could “find himself”.

Dex had to think more logically.  He had to keep his grades up to keep his scholarships.  He had to play well to stay on the team.  He had to major in something practical because his parents couldn’t bail him out.  He thought he didn’t like Nursey because he didn’t understand him, but maybe he was just jealous.

“Hey, Nurse,” Dex said breaking the silence, “weren’t you trying to get me to dance?”

Nursey smiled.  “Yeah?  You want to?”

“Not at all.”

“Then come on,” Nursey said grabbing Dex’s hand.

Dex was out of his element.  People were everywhere and all of them were dancing on someone.  Nursey had started dancing, attracting the attention of a few girls, but he appeared to not notice them.  Dex was just standing there, awkwardly tapping his foot.

“That doesn’t look like dancing to me,” Nursey said.

“I never agreed to this,” Dex returned.

Dex backed up to lean on the wall like he had been before, but now he was drunk, and the wall didn’t seem as sturdy as it was when he was sober.

Nursey frowned and followed him.  “Well, what am I supposed to do without a dance partner?”

“I don’t know,” Dex said.  “There are plenty of girls here dying to get into your pants tonight so I’m sure one of them would be up for it.”

“I don’t want to dance with any of them.  I want to dance with you.”

It was kind of pathetic how Nursey was begging, but Dex didn’t want to dance.  And besides, he kind of liked it.

“That’s too bad,” Dex teased.  “I don’t want to.”

“You’re no fun.”

“That’s what I hear.”

“Well, what do you want to do?” Nursey ask ed.

“I want to stand right here on this wall, and maybe watch you grovel some more.”

“Maybe I don’t want to grovel.”

“Beg?”

“That’s the same thing.”

“Yeah?” Dex said raising a brow.  “And what are you going to do about it?”

Dex didn’t expect it.  He didn’t think Nursey expected to do it either, but Nursey was on him in a second, kissing him like his life depended on it.  After the initial shock, Dex thought about pushing him off, ending the night, but there was something about Nursey, and something about the kiss that made Dex want to keep going.

Nursey had grabbed a hold of Dex’s shirt, pulling him close, and Dex put his hands on Nursey’s hips, leaning into the kiss.  Nursey’s hands slowly let go and rested on Dex’s chest.

Dex opened his mouth to breath and Nursey took the opportunity to slip his tongue inside Dex’s mouth.  Dex moaned softly into Nursey as he pushed him up against the wall holding their bodies close together.

The room was spinning.  Dex couldn’t keep track of anything and could hardly remember how he ended up pinned against the wall making out with Nursey while drunk at a kegster.  He lost track of time and of all his senses.

Nursey pulled away and Dex opened his eyes.  Nursey looked sick.  Dex hoped it wasn’t him.

“Nurse?” Dex said.  “You okay?”

Without answering, Nursey started out of the room.  Dex followed Nursey outside the front door where Nursey promptly threw up on the lawn.  Of course, Dex thought, Nursey was drinking straight from the bottle and was already pretty drunk when they started drinking together.  I wasn’t him.

“I may have lied a little,” Nursey said.  “I was on my third drink here, but I also did some pregaming before coming.”

“Let me walk you back to your room,” Dex said.

Nursey wobbled a little and Dex put a hand on his should to steady him.

“I’m chill, dude,” Nursey said.  “Perfectly chill.”

“Nursey,” Dex pressed.

Nursey sighed.  “Fine.  I guess I’m kind of tired.”

Dex started walking and Nursey lagged behind a little.  Dex slowed a little and Nursey mimicked him, still keeping behind.  The good thing about being friends with Chowder is that he indulged the secret of taking care of drunk Nursey and that’s that he loves physical contact.  Drunk Nursey has a knack for running off or disappearing and the best way to ensure he won’t do that is by keeping him close.  So, Dex did what Chowder always does and grabbed Nursey’s hand.  Dex wasn’t sure if he was surprised or not when after doing so, Nursey sidled up against him and kept his pace.

Back at Nursey’s room, Dex helped him get in and set a bottle of water by his bed for the morning.  Nursey had stripped his shoes and shirt and was sitting on the edge of the bed staring at Dex.       

“Thanks for walking me back,” Nursey said.

“It’s not a big deal,” Dex said.  “I live on this side of campus too.”

“Yeah, chill,” Nursey said.  “Come here.”  Nursey reached an arm out to Dex.

Dex took a step forward and Nursey grabbed his shirt, pulling him down into a soft kiss.  Unlike the one at the party, which was sloppy and frantic, this one was gentle. 

Pulling away, Dex had an itch to leave and let Nursey sleep the drunkenness away.  He started towards the door as Nursey lay down on his bed.

“Good night, Nursey,” Dex said turning off the light.

Nursey must have fallen asleep immediately because he didn’t say anything in return.

Dex closed the door and stepped into the hall.  He stood there for a few seconds, a minute, five minutes.  He lost track. 

He and Nursey made out.  At a party.  Nursey kissed him good night.  Dex thought he kind of liked it.  He wasn’t supposed to though.  He wasn’t gay.  Thinking about how attractive your teammates are is one thing but making out at a party is a whole other level.  What was he going to do?

What _the hell_ was he going to do?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, this is going to be multiple chapters (Dex has some very complicated feelings!). I don't know how many yet, but probably not that many (possibly 5 or 6) but that's just for the first plot line ;). (One thing at a time lmao)
> 
> Please correct any spelling or grammar things. I'm not very good at editing


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoof, did I project a lot in this chapter
> 
> enjoy

Dex slept in and didn’t talk to anyone the next day, thanking everything that his roommate went home for the weekend.  His phone was buzzing so much during the afternoon that he silenced it, trying to get his homework done.  Sometime in the evening he decided to check it and saw 17 messages from Nursey, a few from Chowder, and one from Bitty.  Chowder’s and Bitty’s messages were short, asking if he was alive or wanted to get lunch.

Nursey’s were a bit more intense.  It started close to noon with a quick “good morning” followed immediately with a “lunch?” request.  After an hour of not responding, Nursey sent “you alive???” which was followed with three messages that were just question marks.  Sometime late afternoon came a string of messages that were half-apology and half-confusion.  Nursey asked questions about the previous night, saying it was a blur, but also saying that if he did something wrong for Dex to tell him.

It ended with a few messages saying he managed to talk to Chowder who saw them leave together but Nursey honestly was still confused about the night and he really needed to talk.

Dex went to bed that night around 11, waking up to a message from Nursey around 1 a.m. saying “If you don’t like me you can just say so”.

\---

Practice the next morning was a mess.  Not only was Dex distracted by trying to decipher Nursey’s cryptic late-night message, as well as finals and having to go home for break soon, but Nursey seemed to be deliberately messing with Dex during runs and scrimmage.

Eventually, Chowder said something to Jack who called them off the ice and ordered them into the locker room to talk about whatever was bothering them, banned from practice until they could let it go and play.

Nursey was pissed and Dex knew it was about him.  But Dex had nothing to say.  It’s not like he and Nursey were actually friends, not even after that night.

“I feel like we ought to say something,” Nursey said after a minute.

“Yeah, like what?” Dex asked.

“How about you piss me off so much?” Nursey said.  “How about you can’t seem to think about anyone else’s feelings beside your own?”

“God, that’s a load of shit.”

“How about we say something about how we made out at the kegster and you ghosted me and Chowder all day yesterday?  Don’t you have anything to say about that?”

Dex selfishly had to admit that it felt good to see Nursey have emotions.  Although, it didn’t feel good that it was directed at him.

“I don’t know,” Dex said mirroring Nursey’s anger. “You fucking started it and what was I supposed to do?  I guess I felt weird yesterday, okay?  I don’t know.”

“If you didn’t like it, all you had to do was say so,” Nursey said.  “Fuck, dude, maybe you should have thought of that and told me.  I’m not… I’m not trying to make anything weird for you but I thought we were trying to be friends, so you’re allowed to tell me things.”

“It doesn’t matter anyway,” Dex said.  “It’s not like…I’m not…Why do you care anyway?”

“Did it ever occur to you that maybe I like you?” Nursey almost shouted.

Dex didn’t know what to say to that.  He just stood there staring at Nursey.  What was that supposed to mean?  Did Nursey just mean as friends?  Or something else?  He was the one that instigated the first kiss, but he could have just been desperate.  There’s no way.  And it’s not like anything would come of it anyway.

“I just mean,” Nursey said quieter, “that shit hurts, you know.  No conversation, no texts.  I may be pretty good at hiding them, but I do have feelings.”  Nursey let out a soft painful laugh.  “You know what?  Just forget it.”

Nursey made like he was going back out to practice, but Dex stepped in front of him.

“I’m…sorry,” Dex said, “for everything.”

“For what?”

“For everything,” Dex said again.  “Fuck.  I mean…I’m sorry I always treat you like shit and I’m sorry for letting you kiss me in before I left you in your room and I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you yesterday and…and I’m sorry that you have to deal with this…and me.”

“I don’t hate you, Dex,” Nursey said.  “And I’m not mad about a lot of it.  Just talk to me.”

Dex always had a hard time dealing with his emotions, much less talking about them.  His family subscribed to the idea that emotions should be private except at funerals.  And not having a lot of friends also meant that Dex didn’t have many people, if any, to confide it.  But he took Nursey’s genuineness seriously.  Nursey did seem to care about him, and Dex needed to have a friend like that, so he took a risk.

“I don’t know what I’m doing,” Dex said, “with friends and stuff.  And I don’t know what to do with my weird feelings about sexuality.  I mean, I liked…kissing you, but I’m not…gay.  I don’t know.”

“That’s fine,” Nursey said.  “Why don’t we just be friends then?  While you figure shit out.”

“That sounds good to me.”

“Chill.  Now let’s get back out there.”

\---

And they were fine for the most part.  Dex still found little things about Nursey to be annoyed about and Nursey seemed to love bickering with Dex, but at the end of the day, Dex was happy they were starting to become real friends. 

They talked a lot during winter break and into the new year.  When the new semester started, Chowder was over the moon to have his two best friends getting along so now they could all hang out together.

Dex was happy to be friends with Nursey and feel like he had somewhere to belong, at least in those little moments, but he was facing the hardest time of his life.  Every part of his life felt fake, like he was dreaming or acting the part.  He constantly doubted his friends’ feelings towards him.  On his good days he had fun, but during his bad days was convinced they hung out with him out of pity and didn’t really like him.  It was even worse with Nursey.  Nursey was amazing, and everyone liked him and Dex hated it.  Nursey was better than he was in every way so Dex had no idea why he would ever hang out with someone like him.  And then there was the jealousy.  Dex wanted Nursey for himself, even if he felt like a burden around him.  Other people got in the way, and although Dex hated admitting this, but sometimes he was even jealous of Chowder spending time with Nursey.

But Dex pushed it down and moved on with his life.  He kept busy during the week with homework and work and practice and tried not to let his feelings get to him.  On the weekends he coped.  He drank and went to parties, sometimes with friends but usually alone, and he tried to figure his shit out.  He liked Nursey, a lot, and that sucked.  Dex still didn’t want to say he was gay.  He couldn’t.  He wasn’t supposed to be.  So he figured it out alone.  He went to parties alone, but never left alone.

Like all of his other feelings, he kept that to himself.

The semester finished and Dex was ready to leave the night after his final exam despite it being dark and home being four hours away.  He would honestly rather wake up in his bed in the morning than have to face that drive home.  But plans change.  Chowder texted him telling him to get his ass to his room because he and Nursey were drinking and Dex needed to be there for that final bonding session before summer break.

Dex obliged considering it would be a few months before seeing his friends again.

Chowder and Nursey were only on their first drink when Dex arrived.  Dex chose the spot next to Nursey on the bed that once belonged to Chowder’s roommate.  After being handed a drink, Dex sat with his back against the wall, wherein Nursey moved to put his feet on Dex’s lap.

When Dex glared at Nursey, he smiled and said, “Free footrest.”

Dex wasn’t planning on getting drunk seeing as he wanted to get up in the morning and go home, but sometimes plans change, especially when Nursey and Chowder wanted to watch _Chopped_ and play a drinking game after a little while.

“Are we playing guess the winner?” Chowder asked as he wrote the rules on a piece of paper.

“Why wouldn’t we?” Nursey said.

Dex raised an eyebrow.  They must have done this before.

“Guess the winner,” Chowder said for Dex’s sake, “is when you guess the winner and if they lose you take a shot.”

“Oh, easy,” Dex said.  Dex had watched a lot of _Chopped_ growing up since his dad liked it so much, and also had a knack for guessing winners.  “I never guess wrong.”

“I’ll take that bet,” Nursey said.

“I wasn’t asking, but alright.”

“Two shots if your contestant loses.”

“Fine,” Dex said.  “But only if you do it too.”

“Deal.”

Chowder was shaking his head, waving the remote.  “Alright.  If you two are done flirting, can we start?  Caitlyn wants to meet up in an hour.”

“Yeah, shut up, Dex,” Nursey teased.  “Otherwise Chowder’s not getting any tonight.”

Chowder sighed and pressed play.

Dex guessed a contestant, and luckily for Nursey he hadn’t seen this episode before.  Nursey and Chowder chose too, everyone with a different person.  Dex’s choice was the first gone, and Nursey was pleased until his choice was gone the next round.  Chowder ended up winning.

Before another episode could start, Chowder shut the TV off.  “Hate to say this but I’m leaving.”

“Aw,” Nursey said.  “Going to Farmer’s?”

“Yes, and now I have to politely ask you to leave my room.”

Nursey wobbled a little standing up, prompting Dex to jump up and grab his arm.

“Geez, Nurse,” Dex said.  “How much did you drink?”

“Same as you,” Nursey said.  “I think I’m coming to the conclusion that I’m a lightweight.”

No kidding.  “I’ll walk you back to your room.”

Chowder walked with them until he had to part ways.  He hugged both Nursey and Dex, and told them that if they didn’t utilize their group chat, he would fly out here and make them use it, and then left to enjoy one last night with his girlfriend before summer.

At Nursey’s room, Nursey invited Dex to hang out.  He wasn’t that drunk and “the night was still young.”  They hung out for a while, just talking and sobering up a bit.

“Dex,” Nursey said.  “You remember when we made out at that kegster last semester.”

“Yes?” Dex said wary.  “What about it?”

“I have to confess something,” Nursey said.  Dex’s heart skipped a beat.  “I think about that night a lot.”

“Oh,” Dex said quietly.  “I – “

“Wait,” Nursey cut him off.  “Let me say what I need to say.  I…I think I have real feelings for you.  But you’ve got your shit going on, and I don’t want to mess that up.  Like, you figuring things out and whatever.  But, I had to tell you that.  Just so you know.”  Nursey had been avoiding eye contact but looked right at him then.  “Maybe it helps?”

Oh god.  This was the last thing Dex needed, but maybe it did help.  Dex was practically in love with Nursey, but also not.  He couldn’t be.  He wasn’t supposed to be.  This wasn’t supposed to happen this way.

Dex wanted to lie, to say that he didn’t have feelings for Nursey.  That this could never happen.  But this was Nursey.  He couldn’t lie to Nursey, and definitely not about something like this.  Nursey made him want to be better.  Nursey made him want to be truthful about things and not hide, even if it was hard.  So Dex took that and ran with it.

“It doesn’t,” Dex said.  “If anything, I’m more confused.  I mean, fuck, you…you’re so…I don’t know how I feel about you, but I know that I like spending time with you, I guess.  Especially like this, just us.”  Dex knew he wasn’t making sense, but it was so hard to talk about his feelings if he didn’t fully understand them himself.

“So,” Nursey said, “you like me, but you don’t.”

“Yes?” Dex said.  “No?  I don’t know.  I like you, but I don’t how or what that even means.”

“I don’t want to tell you how to feel,” Nursey said, “or make things more complicated for you.”

“I feel like that’s exactly what you did,” Dex said with a little bite, “when you said you have feelings for me.  Made things pretty complicated.  So just… just tell me what you think.”

“Fine,” Nursey said curtly, sounding like he didn’t want to start an argument.  “I think you’re scared.  But I also think there’s nothing wrong with that.  I also think you know exactly how you feel, but you don’t want to know…and that’s why you’re scared.”

“That feels…accurate.”

“You’re scared, Dex.  That’s okay.  I am too.”

“I’m terrified,” Dex said almost inaudibly.

Nursey leaned forward, grabbing Dex’s face and kissed him.  Dex accepted it as Nursey’s warmth spread through his body.  Nursey was soft and tender.  Dex understood was the kiss was.  It was a message: “it’s okay.”

Nursey sat back and looked at Dex.  Dex didn’t say anything and looked down.

“Say something,” Nursey said after a minute.

“I liked that,” Dex said.  “I do know that.”

“Then the way I see it,” Nursey said, “is you have two options.  You can deny that and leave, and I’ll be upset but I’ll get over it.  Or you can do something about it.”

“Like what?”

“Well, that’s up to you,” Nursey said.  “I’m not your therapist.”

Dex took the initiative.  He liked Nursey and he was going to do something about it.  He kissed Nursey back, but with more intensity.  Nursey fell back on the bed and Dex was on top, kissing Nursey like his life depended on it.  Dex’s hands started running up Nursey sides and Nursey slid his fingers through Dex’s hair.

Dex inched his finger to the hem of Nursey’s shirt and touched the skin underneath.  Nursey inhaled sharply, moving a hand to Dex’s back to pull him closer.  Dex took that as permission, and Nursey never stopped him.

\---

Dex woke up in the middle of the night.  Nursey was fast asleep beside him.

Well fuck, he thought, this was _not_ supposed to happen.

He got up, quietly got dressed and left the room.  Nursey didn’t stir once.  Dex checked the time, 3:34, and went to his room to sleep the rest of the night.

He should have just gone home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So my problem is that my daydreams go faster than I can type creating some very frustrating situations where I'm trying to write but my mind is creating the end of the conversation or wants to get to the good stuff. I'm trying to write fast-ish (but not so fast that it's bad) because I'm going to camp all summer starting June 10th.
> 
> Anyway, hopefully the new chapter will be up by Monday or Tuesday (it's Thursday as I write this).
> 
> Thanks for reading <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said this before but just call me a projector

The first half of summer vacation was a blur.  Between working full time on the boats with his dad, dealing with constant sunburn, and texting the Frog group chat just enough to appease Chowder, Dex hardly had any time to consider the implications of what happened with Nursey.  Dex tried to forget and keep himself busy, but every now and then, the thought of how vulnerable Nursey looked that night, or how good it felt to be with Nursey kept creeping back into his head.  He would start to feel bad and would maybe consider calling Nursey up to talk, but then his dad or brother or one of his uncles would say something about being soft or “don’t be such a girl” or “that’s gay” and the thought was gone.  Dex couldn’t face Nursey, at least not now.

But with every day and every text sent to the group chat, Dex felt a sense of doom slowly approaching.  He remembered how hurt Nursey was after the first time they made out and Dex ghosted him.  Sure, Nursey forgave him easily, but he likely wouldn’t this time.  Nursey had confessed his feelings, and Dex sort of did the same.  And then they had sex.  And Dex liked it a lot.  He liked Nursey a lot.  But he wasn’t supposed to.  He felt guilty about his feelings for Nursey every time a family member asked if he had a girlfriend. 

His brother had one, so where was his?  There were bound to be plenty of smart, wholesome girls at that college of his.

Though, all that attention was shifted when in July Dex’s brother, Drew, and his girlfriend Ashley announced that she was pregnant, and were getting married.

Dex’s family was Catholic, and Ashley’s was too, so if they hadn’t announced a wedding when they announced the pregnancy, someone would have forced their hand.

Dex’s mom was ecstatic, making plans with Ashley and her mother to lay out ideas.  Everything had to be done quickly so that Ashley wasn’t showing until after the wedding, so Dex got himself involved in that, trying to keep his mind busy when he wasn’t working, which also gave him a convenient excuse to not text the group chat.

His dad and his uncles didn’t care too much for the wedding, Dex would overhear at work, and thought they should have just done a quick one at the courthouse, but at least Drew had the decency to propose and not just run off on her.  Which then turned into a round of applauding Dex’s dad for raising his son right, which then turned into questioning Dex on when he was getting a girlfriend.

Dex tended to hang around his mother more during the planning period.

The day of the wedding came about a month later, about a week before Dex had to return to school.  The shotgun wedding was slated to take place on Ashley’s family farm.  Drew and his groomsmen, Dex included although not the best man, were in the guest bedroom getting ready.

“Hey, Will,” Drew said fixing his tie in the mirror, “a piece of big brother advice.”

“Yeah?” Dex said expecting the worst.  “What’s that?”

“Wrap it before you tap it.”

The other groomsmen, two of Drew’s friends and one cousin, laughed and one said “Truth.”

“I could have figured that out myself,” Dex said.  “Did it honestly take your girlfriend getting pregnant for you to realize that maybe you should wear a condom?”

“Look, man,” Drew said, “I’m serious.  Or else you’ll end up with a kid you’re not ready for, and a wife you didn’t want.”  Drew was only 22, so Dex could almost see where he was coming from, but his natural contempt for his brother who he never got along with overcame him.

“You don’t have to marry her, you know,” Dex said.  The room went cold.  Picking his words carefully, knowing fully well everyone in the room would be drunk later and ready to pick a fight, he said, “I mean, you don’t want an unhappy life, and I doubt Ashley does either.”

“Yeah,” Drew said, “and Dad would kill me if I said that, but not before her dad did.  Just don’t talk about stuff you don’t know about, okay?”

And that was the end of that.  One of Drew’s friends started talking about the bachelor party last night that Dex wasn’t invited to, so Dex checked his phone while waiting for the ceremony.

Chowder and Nursey were chatting in the Frog chat, so Dex let himself see what it was about.

            Chowder: _Question: Hot dog is a sandwich or no?_

Nursey: _Absolutely not_

Nursey: _Whomst is debating this outrageous topic_

Chowder: _My mom and dad say no but me and my sister say yes_

            Chowder: _Meat between bread_

Chowder: _Sandwich_

Nursey: _As a New Yorker I’m livid_

Nursey: _Sorry, but we can’t be friends anymore_

Chowder: _Dex please_

Chowder: _Tiebreaker_

Chowder: _And by that I mean agree with me_

Dex: _Is this really a debate?_

Chowder: _Yes_

Chowder: _Now answer the damn question_

            Dex: _Don’t think I have an opinion_

Dex: _Sorry I can’t agree with you_

Chowder: _Please_

Chowder: _I bet my parents at least one of my friends would agree with me_

Dex: _If it’s a bet you can say I agree_

Chowder: _No you have to say it so I can show them the text_

Dex: _No wait_

Dex: _I thought about it and no_

            Dex: _If you ate it like a sandwich, bread on top and bottom then yeah but you don’t_

Dex: _You eat it open up top_

Dex: _Not a sandwich_

Chowder: _Dex ur killing me_

Nursey: _F_

Chowder: _Shut up_

Dex: _GTG wedding time_

The ceremony came and went, dragging on as long as it could.  Because Ashley was pregnant, her parents wanted the wedding to be amazing and blessed, insisting on including a wedding mass.  Most of the immediate and extended family agreed on both sides (save for some non-religious family members), resulting in a ceremony that lasted over an hour.

At the reception, Dex resigned himself to sitting alone for most of the night, casually checking his phone every couple of minutes.  The Frog chat was silent, and he had no desire to start a conversation.  At one point, his brother introduced him to Ashley’s 18-year old cousin, who was very single he added with a wink before running off.  Dex was polite and dance with her a bit, but she seemed uninterested and excused herself to the bathroom.  Dex saw her dancing with Ashley about ten minutes later and was grateful to not have to keep up that act anymore.

Towards the end of the night, Dex’s mother had sat down next to him, toting a glass of wine, and began rambling about all of the things that went wrong at the reception.  Dex tried reassuring her that it was a nice night, but she was in a state.  Her Irish accent had slowly faded over the thirty years she had been living in the U.S., but when she drank it came out, and Dex knew there was no reasoning with her then.

“These bouquets,” she said, “are not as big as the florist said they would be.  What I get for planning this in a month.”

“It’s alright, Ma,” Dex said.  “The wedding was beautiful.”

“Oh, I know, I know,” she said waving a hand.  “Can’t a woman complain sometimes?”

“Of course, you can.”

His mother looked at him and sighed.  “Listen, Billy, I want you to know something.”

“What’s that?”

“You are a wonderful child.”

“You’re just saying that,” Dex said.

“No, it’s the truth,” his mother said.  “I’m very proud of you, Billy.  Going to school, playing hockey, staying out of trouble.  I love your brother very much, but between you and me,” she leaned in close, “he’s not as smart as you are.”

Dex laughed.  “Geez, Ma.  Take him down at his own wedding, why don’t you?”

She laughed with him.  “Well, it seems that half the kids in this town end up getting married like this.  Young and pregnant.”  She took a swig of wine.  “Play it safe, Billy.  Get a career first, then marry her, then have a child.”

“Right,” Dex said.  “Whatever you say.”

His phone buzzed.  It was the Frog chat with a picture of Nursey holding a hot dog and the caption _Asked a hot dog vendor and he said if a hot dog is a sandwich he’d need a different license_ , quickly followed by _Anyway C is cancelled._

Chowder said something but Dex caught himself staring at the picture Nursey sent.  It was a simple selfie, but Dex couldn’t help himself.  In fact, he hated himself.  He felt guilty and gross, and particularly sinful after that Catholic wedding mass.  Every bit of heteronormative pressure (thanks for the vocabulary boost, Shitty) that his family and his town ever presented him was crushing him right then.  He was hopelessly in love with Nursey, and he hated himself for it.

\---

Dex got to school a day early so he could pick Chowder up from the airport.  He didn’t have much besides clothes and hockey gear, so he moved in by himself, while Nursey, who met them at the Haus the next day, was dropped off by his parents.  The two of them decided to help Chowder move in.  How he got Jack’s dibs, Dex could not figure out, although Nursey claimed it would have been blasphemy to choose anyone else.

Dex felt the tension of the afternoon.  Being around Nursey and trying to act like nothing was wrong was exhausting.  Dex kept his conversation short, avoiding saying anything that might give away his anxieties.

He went down to his truck to grab the last box.  While going up the walk, Nursey appeared in the doorway.

“I got the last box,” Dex said, not looking directly at Nursey.

“We need to talk,” Nursey said.

“I feel like you say that a lot,” Dex said.  He put the box down.

“You do stupid shit a lot so it’s only fair,” Nursey said tersely.  “I think you ought to say something first, so I know where you’re at.”

“You’re the one that wanted to talk.”

“Christ,” Nursey said.  “Fine.  I kind of hate you right now.  Three guesses.”

“I’m sorry,” Dex said, and he was, but there were no words he could find to explain himself. “I’m sorry I…I…can’t explain.”

“You broke my heart, Dex,” Nursey said.  “You say you’re sorry, but it doesn’t sound like you even know for what.  Do you know how it felt when I woke up and you weren’t there?  And then, you left for the summer and pretended like you didn’t do anything wrong, like nothing had happened between us.”

“I don’t think you get how hard this has been for me,” Dex almost shouted.  He had been feeling shitty all summer and now he was forced to confront it.  It was irrational anger.  He knew he was in the wrong, but he had to defend himself.  Nursey was the catalyst for every complex feeling he had.

“Poor Dex,” Nursey said mockingly.  “How do you live with yourself?  The guilt of treating me, your teammate, your _friend_ , like some quick lay before summer.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Dex seethed.

“No, I know,” Nursey said.  “Look, Dex, I get that it’s hard growing up where you do, having feelings that you think you shouldn’t have.  Whatever.  You don’t have choice about how you feel but you can choose what you do.  You still have to hold yourself accountable.  Your actions still have consequences, and sometimes it’s not you that has to deal with them.”

Dex ran a hand through his hair, and said mostly to himself, “God this wasn’t supposed to happen this way.”

“Then what was?” Nursey said.  “You made choices, now you have to fucking deal with them.”

“No, God,” Dex said exasperated.  “All of this!  None of this,” he gestured between them, “was supposed to happen.  Everything!  I was supposed to go to school and graduate and get a job and marry a girl, have a few kids and a dog and a white picket fence.  That!”

Nursey sighed.  “I know this is hard for you.  I’m not going to fault that…but I need you to fucking understand how you hurt me.”

“Then explain because I guess I don’t get it,” Dex said.  “I rejected you, I ghosted you.  What the fuck else is there?”

“You really don’t get it,” Nursey said crossing his arms.  “Fine.  I guess this is a low blow, but I really do need you to get why I can’t just forgive you this easily.”  Nursey paused.  “You were my first.  I could tell I wasn’t yours because you knew what you were doing but that didn’t matter because you chose me.  You were scared and in the end, you chose me.  And then you left.  How the fuck am I supposed to feel after that?”  Nursey had tears swelling in his eyes.  “I blamed myself even though I knew it wasn’t my fault.  I spent half the summer wondering what I did wrong to make you leave.

“Here’s another little secret for you: I have self-esteem issues too.  I hated myself because of what you did to me.  You can blame your hometown and your parents and your fucking subconscious ‘supposed-to’s all you want, but at the end of the day, you made the choice to break my heart.  I care about you, Dex, but I can’t even look at you without thinking about what you did.”

“I care about you too, Nurse,” Dex said quietly.

“Then fucking act like it.”

There was a second of silence that felt like an hour.  The conversation was over.  Nursey had finished his rant and Dex should respond.  He tried, he really did, but nothing came out.

Chowder came bounding outside.  “What’s taking so long, guys?”  He stopped in his tracks recognizing the standoff positions they were in.

Dex grabbed the box and walked past both of them into the Haus.  Before getting out of earshot, he heard Nursey say something along the lines of “I’m worried about him.”

Dex dropped the box in Chowder’s room and took a breath, leaning against the dresser.  What the hell was he going to do now?  Everything was wrong.  Why didn’t he just mind his business and not get involved in this kind of thing like he had planned to?  Why was Nursey so infuriating?  Why did he have to be right?

After a couple minutes, Chowder came into his room and beelined for Dex.

“Nursey told me everything,” Chowder said.

“Great,” Dex said thinking about all the shit he did.

“I’m not going to judge you,” Chowder said.  “I don’t hate you and neither does Nursey, although he is pretty pissed.”

“He has every right to be,” Dex said looking at his feet.

“I’m not going to tell you what to do either.”

Dex nodded.

“But I’m sure,” Chowder continued, “that between everything happening and all that fighting that no one has told you it’s okay.  It’s okay if you’re gay, Dex.  And it’s okay if you don’t know yet.”  Dex looked at Chowder who was being more serious than Dex had ever seen him.  “And unless you do something super unforgivable, I’ll always be here for you.  You’re my friend and I love you and it’s okay.”

Dex couldn’t help it.  He started crying, slow and first but quickly devolving into sobs.  Chowder wrapped his arms around Dex and Dex hugged him back.  Dex hated crying, but everything had gone to shit, and he was so lost.

\---

A few days later, Dex found himself wandering into the kitchen of the Haus.  Bitty was mixing something that smelled suspiciously of cherry filling.

“Hi, Dex,” Bitty said noticing Dex in the doorway.  “Did you need something?”

“Can we talk?” Dex asked carefully.

“Sure, hun,” Bitty said.  “Grab an apron.  You can help me roll out this dough.”  He ended by tossing a ball of dough on the counter.

Dex did as he was told and began rolling out the dough.  He had some idea of what Bitty wanted.  This wasn’t his first kitchen talk.

“So, what’s on your mind?” Bitty asked.

“How did you know you were gay?” Dex said not wasting time.  “Sorry, I didn’t know how else to word it,” he added after seeing Bitty look a little taken aback.

“That’s okay,” Bitty said.  “Just a little surprised.  Any reason you’re asking me this?”

“Just…asking”

“Well,” Bitty started, “I suppose it was in my senior year of high school.  There was this new boy in school and he joined the hockey team.  He was tall and handsome and a joy to be around.  And then I realized I felt different about him than my other teammates did.  They wanted to be his friend, but I wanted something…different.”

“Like what?”

“It took a while to figure out, but,” Bitty said, “I was jealous whenever he wasn’t talking to me.  I wanted to be with him all the time and have him want the same…which is a little childish, but I _was_ in high school.”

“Right.”

“But, everyone figures it out differently.  Some people just know, some people do a lot of searching in general, and some people fall in love.”

Dex sighed.  He _was_ in love, but it wasn’t that simple.  He had gone and made this complicated.  He could have had an easy relationship with Nursey that maybe stayed on the down-low for a few months.  He wouldn’t have had to label himself yet and when he figured it out, Nursey would have been there to tell and to be proud of Dex.  But instead he had to be awful and make things hard on himself.

“There’s this guy,” Dex said wanting to clue Bitty in at least a little bit, “and I really like him but…I messed up.”

“How so?” Bitty asked.  “Maybe you can fix things.”

“I slept with him,” Dex said quickly, “and then ghosted him.  And now he’s pissed at me.”

“I would be too,” Bitty said.  “Did you apologize?”

“Kind of?”

“Will, you need to give him a proper apology, and you can’t expect him to forgive you either.”

“I know,” Dex said.  “I…I will.  I’m just scared I messed up too much by making it all about me.  I never thought I was selfish, but I was so worried about my own life, I wasn’t thinking about him.”

“I’m sure he’ll understand,” Bitty said.  “We all go through things like this.  Trials and tribulations.  Complicated problems that seem endless.”  Bitty sighed.  “But that’s life and we have to work through it and learn from it.”

“Bitty,” Dex said, “are you doing okay?”

“Of course, hon,” Bitty said.  “Don’t worry about me, worry about that dough you flattened to the counter.”

Sure enough, Dex, lost in thought, had over rolled the dough to be paper thin and stuck to the counter.

“Oh, sorry,” Dex said.

“That’s okay,” Bitty said laughing.  “That was bad dough anyway.  I needed something for you to keep your hands busy, so you would talk to me.”

Dex chuckled.  “Thanks, Bitty.  I really appreciate this.”

Maybe it really was okay that Dex didn’t know what to label himself or how to deal with that, but he knew how he felt about Nursey and that he had to make up with him.  It was his fault, and he had to fix it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I'm thinking 6 chapters but I probably won't guarantee anything until the second to last chapter sorry
> 
> Also I have been reminded of how much I love writing text conversations. It comes so natural to me. (Plus it makes for interesting character studies trying to figure out how a character would text)


End file.
